6th

Birth

I wasn’t there

When you were born.

I was in a parking lot

At L.L.Bean

When we got the call.

I was in Maine.

It was four months after

She passed away

When you were born.

It was two months later

When I met you.

Pepe and I drove to Virginia,

My second time there.

(There will be other times

To describe the first.)

One brilliant short week

And then back to Maine.

And then one month

And then a long time

Before we parted again.

A very, very long time.

The best time

Of my life.

The first year

Of your life.

***

1st

The Breakfast Club

Gave you the bucket hat 

On your first birthday.

You loved your time

With them,

A whole suite

Of grandparents,

Including Charlie,

The oldest,

The most frail,

But you kept him

Somehow young,

For that brief moment in time.

You toddled,

And you blossomed;

I don’t know,

This whole year

Floated along somehow,

And so much seemed

So natural.

***

2nd

And in September 

We traveled up to Maine

To stay with Pepe 

For a year

And Mommy went 

To Korea

Into a phone,

And this was

The best time,

All the time,

When you plopped yourself 

In my lap

To read books,

Absorbing the world,

Taking it all in

Taking it on,

Taking it over…

***

3rd

And somehow

It ended all too quickly

And we went back to Florida

(Sorry, skipped that trip

That saw our first time together;

There will always be more

To say),

And set up

A playroom

And found the parks

We would steal away,

And rediscover Mommy,

Learning to separate,

Learning child development,

In the same but different ways, and…

***

4th

Just before this birthday 

You ride your bike

In an empty house,

And just like that

You’re gone,

And…

And…

***

5th

And…

On your fifth birthday

I don’t even get

To talk to you.

So much time

Between phone calls.

That evening

Is a whole story itself

That I will not talk about here.

We last saw each other

In person 

At the wedding

The previous December,

Stolen moments 

On a Saturday,

Too short a season

But while it lasted

A bright eternity,

Like slipping back

Into the past.

***

And 6th

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry 

It can be so hard.

I’m sorry

That it’s so hard

To reconcile

The life that was

And the life that is.

I never know

If I’ve made your life better

Or more difficult.

I only ever wanted

What was best

For you.

In this moment

It’s a little difficult 

To see which one

It was.

But there is still

A lifetime 

And I hope

I made

It better.